It’s been a while

It’s been a while since I last scribbled any nonsense. It takes the fun and joy out of the love when you make it a job.

It took me two minutes and several “deletes” and re-write to come up with the above sentences. I think about clutter, active voice, hanging sentence, present participle, and everything in between. That I faced every.single.day.

That is beyond paranoia.

I stop writing (if it isn’t for work). I stop processing. I stop absorbing. I stop living. I stop being Deborah.

I smiled because I have to smile. I behaved because I have to behave. I spoke because I have to speak. I fake laughed because I have to laugh. And I fake positiveness because I have to be positive.

I did well so far. But there’s just this one thing I failed terribly at faking – humane.

She’s not humane enough. She’s too cold. She’s very business-y. She’s so straightforward. She’s……

…everything but humane and warm.

News flash: I used to be “humane”. I used to be the fun soul in a group of amazing friends. I used to love life. I used to be passionate of things. I used to enjoy living. I used to be Deborah.

What happened in between? Beats me.

No, I don’t take it as an insult. But I am pressured; I don’t know what is your definition of being humane. I try to be sympathetic and empathetic. I love my dog. I don’t harm others. I don’t condone maliciousness.

Sometimes I think the problem lies with me: I refused to grow up? I refused to fit in? I refused to stand for myself? I refused to indulge in emotions? I refused to give in? I refused to live in reality?

I don’t know. Life confuses me.

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Good 5 minute break. I should probably get back to the essay without the slightest clue. And while we’re on the work topic, it’s true I can’t write for shit based on what I just wrote.

 

 

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