I’m not sure how often does a person doubt him/herself. Or even people who are in their right mind would doubt themselves.
But I sure as hell am doubting myself terribly tonight. I doubt if coming here was ever a right decision. If I could have done much better, made better decisions, given the second chance. I doubt if staying on when everyone has left was even a sane choice. If it would have been easier to leave when I was feeling indifferent.
Probably the reason why I never want to call this place a home. Home isn’t just a vocabulary, it could end up as an emotional attachment – one wouldn’t understand if one’s not fond of words.
Standing in a crowd of unfamiliar faces while waiting for the traffics, I sometimes wonder the purpose of holding on, and the possible reasons that I am holding on. It’s not even like I’m having fun being physically, mentally, and soulfully alone.
I tried to justify, yet I am not convinced myself. The only thing I could come up with is always I am a sadist who loves tormenting myself.
Sure, I can keep on telling myself that “My Life’s Getting Better” (and I am pretty sure I will do that)…deep down, who am I kidding?
A stupid email, an in-your-face truth, worsen the Monday blues. Even the thought of a long weekend getaway couldn’t help cheer me up.
Maybe a bowl of ‘amaze-balls’ Braised Pork on Rice would help.
I hope I can believe this as much as I always do this time. – “When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it” – Paulo Coelho